What If... I Chose Sobriety

What if…

What if… I stay on this path and pretend that I’m not crumbling and destroyed on the inside?

What if… With each passing day, I decide to make myself as important as I make my addiction?

What if… I just keep going, using my pain as a secret component, creating a connection, trying to sustain my soul?

What if… While lost in my own world, doing some random thing, I discover a hidden cryptic message between my own erratic thoughts and find myself again?

What if… I know in my heart that all of this is a maze of lies. Lies so intricately crafted with wandering twists, blinding turns and unpredictable shifts of direction that I am unable to find the way to the path leading to the outside?

What if… I share how I feel with my friends.. or portray the struggle as fleeting not as an eruption of my soul like thunder wanting to be heard?

So I continued…

Or rather some part of me continued. A part of me that was foreign, with a sealed door of a heart, an inner light extinguished, a stranger to even myself. Each day I buried my existence further and further, creating layers of walls between my soul and humanity.

Then it happened.

There was no past to run to, no recapturing time and no more adding to my growing collection of “what if”. I hit my knees and decided I was too tired to stand. Too tired to cry. Too tired to fight. Too tired to try and do this alone. I’m grateful every day for those that knew the way out. The path to peace and acceptance.

What if… I let go of the questions about the past, the illusions that I could go back in time and it would change the outcome?

What if… I quit running, trying to block the pain, trying to stop the hurt from washing over me and accept it as part of my journey and embraced it?

What if… I allow myself to drop into this moment. To stand in my own truth, even though it’s messy and ugly. To drop my judgment of myself and my fear and open my heart to the unknown?

What if… I finally realize that in this moment, in every single moment, I am enough. I am not inferior and my life will move forward with a purpose.

What if… I replace the pain and anger with the love of forgiveness… not for anyone else, but for me?

What if… I choose recovery.

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