How to Help The Addict You Love - Advice for Family and Friends
- safehavenrecovery
- May 6, 2016
- 3 min read
We know that you hear and see our message. It’s everywhere.
“Make the call.”
“Don’t wait until it’s too late.”
“We’re here, let us help.”
“Get treatment now.”
So you did. You called us and by some miracle of all miracles, the person you love so much agreed to go and get help. Finally, you think, it’s going to be ok. They are going to stop using, feel incredible, see the sunshine and love of the world and realize how grateful they are that you fought for their sobriety along side them. And that will happen… but not right now.
Brace yourself for ugly reality check number one. After years of drug and alcohol abuse, the brain stops producing the chemicals that make you feel good – dopamine, serotonin and oxytocin. Instead, the body becomes dependent on the drugs and alcohol for this feeling and it gets lazy. Remove the drugs and alcohol and it takes a little bit of time for the brain to realize that it’s time to get back to work. It takes some time to be firing on all cylinders in the happy making zone. While that’s slowly getting up and running, your loved one needs to be surrounded by experienced professionals who understand the moodiness, anger, hostility and depression that is a part of this process. This is where you come in… no matter what they say, what they threaten and what they do – DO NOT GO AND GET THEM.
Pay attention… here’s the truth:
We are feeding them. No one is starving here. Your loved one may be too sick to eat at the moment, but they are being fed properly. When, not if, you get the phone call – repeat after me – “Darling/Dear/Sweetie, I love you and I am sorry that you feel you are hungry. Why don’t you go and ask if you can have a meal/snack/crackers etc. I am certain that no one is trying to starve you but I will not come pick you up.”
They are in the right place. No matter what heinous crimes they are telling you that other patients have committed or how many scary stories they are telling you, I promise you – everyone is on equal ground in recovery. We aren’t ranking them by who uses alcohol or which drug or who lost their children to the state or became a prostitute. All we are concerned with recovery and sobriety. Repeat after me, “Darling/Dear/Sweetie, I love you and I am sorry that you don’t feel like you fit in there. Remember that you’ve only been there X hours/days. Why don’t you go talk to another peer who has been there longer about their experiences? I will not come pick you up.”
They do not hate you. Truthfully, they aren’t even really angry with you. It’s simply the coming off the drugs and alcohol and not being able to deal with the emotions that are coming with that yet. If you let them, they will simply go get high again today. They will not change that behavior. They aren’t grateful at this stage and nothing they say is personal. They are safe, being taken care of and their needs are being addressed. Repeat after me, “Darling/Dear/Sweetie, I love you but I refuse to have this discussion and argue with you. Go find a counselor or friend and tell them how are you feeling and talk this out. I will not come pick you up.”
They will not change on their own. They did not magically get better over the past few hours or days. This did not cause them to see the disease for what it is yet. You are not wasting your money or putting them through intentional suffering being away from their friends and family. You cannot bargain or reason with an addict. Repeat after me. “Darling/Dear/Sweetie, I love you and I’m so happy that you are feeling better already. But I’m not a professional and I don’t the right skills to help you right now. You’re in the right place and they will help you. I will not come pick you up.”
The bottom line of all of this – do not go pick them up. I promise, in a few hours, days or maybe weeks, they will thank you for not coming to pick them up. They will begin realizing that a sober life is not only possible but appealing. Just hold on for a little bit longer.. the light at the end of the tunnel is not a train. It’s hope.
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