Don't Envy Those In Recovery - We Worked For It Too

In my inbox this morning was a brief note from someone who reads my blog. I'm not even certain if the writer is male or female, only in the context. It simply read, "You're so happy. I live my life vicariously through your perfect one. I envy you."

I almost laughed - except it wasn't truly funny. My perfect life? Not even close. Please don’t envy me because I am you, just with different features but an equally thin skin. My life is real. Flawed. Cracked. Beautiful. Balanced with missteps, mistakes and good judgements. I worked diligently to be where I am right now and it was accompanied with sacrifice - a divorce from my husband, a break up from everything I knew, two very long stints in rehab and making daily choices that took me in a direction I never expected.

I have some really shitty days and some really good days. I cry, I yell, I laugh. I share the summits of my life, not really the trek. My life is not a new age fairytale, it's a virtual train wreck of raw and gritty day to day. Sometimes, I get upset and I send impulsive texts filled with nonsense to my boyfriend, that I wish I could erase before they turn blue. There are days I feel confused, and days everything makes sense. I have been offered some deserved opportunities over the years, a product of un-waivering discipline and hard work, but my daily life is quietly mundane. I have issues with my parents. I have issues. Period.

I have an obsession with crackers – I eat way too many of them. I get lonely, really lonely – I cry and then, I get over it. I get angry, really angry – I yell or I cry and then, I get over it. I get frustrated, really frustrated - I sit quietly, cry a little and then, get over it. I look in the mirror in the morning, and I hate my hair. When I need a break from my seriousness, I watch awful movies on my computer in my bed while eating Triscuits. I will go to sleep tonight at 9:30 because that’s how I roll. I don’t have a glamorous social life, I’d rather be at home even if I had the option of being out on the scene. I’m a girl who found what I love, and I work really damn hard for everything I have created. I choose every single day to continue down a path of sobriety.

Don’t envy me. I don’t envy you, because I know we are all the same – at least that’s my perspective.

#recovery #whitechipwonder #AA #sobriety #findinghope #recoveredalcoholic #formerdrugaddict #helpforsubstanceabuse